This idea that my inner strength cannot sustain is not due to a lack of it. It's due to distractions. That's to say that my inner strength is not absent it is simply distracted. Outer collapses become the focus and the inner strength takes a back seat to them. The outer collapses become more real than the inner spirit that lives within me. The soul portion of me takes a position of authority. How do I know that? Because there are plenty of times when the distractions don't take control. There are many times when my spirit takes authority and I am able to move through and past the distraction.
I hate feeling nauseated. I don't get it very often but when I do I am miserable. Why? Because my physical body takes control. It gets my mind will and emotions to come along side of it and my entire attention is consumed with nausea. My spirit and what it has to say is not even a consideration at the time. As Jesus healed blind men He told them to do something afterward. They had to take their eyes off what had always been and focus on what now was.
I have thought long and hard on this thought. My outer collapses are usually the result of some action, some decision, some words that I spoke at an earlier time that now have consequences that I had not anticipated. I am fairly well convinced that, that happens because of the pace at which I move and ultimately the inner reason for my quick movements.
I have shared about our housing situation before. We had looked and looked and found the house we wanted to build. The process was well under way and we were to sign some papers to finalize the deal. The plan was to pay cash for this house and have no mortgage payment. A dream come true. On that day that we were to sign, someone we respected spoke the words that we should live elsewhere as we were those kind of people. Before you know it we were driving to the suggested place prior to going to our other meeting. We bought a home in that place. But, not debt free. We had to take a small mortgage. Small but still a mortgage. We cancelled the other deal and set out to live happily ever after. Three years later we are 60 days and monthly on the verge of being 90 days behind in that small mortgage. We moved fast and that mortgage has been the source of many outer collapses over the past year. I am now reliant upon God's mercy and grace. He had told us many, many years ago to be debt free. Why? Because the borrower is servant to the lender. I may now have to abandon what I believe God has put before me to go and get a job so that we don't break our word with the mortgage company. I am a servant to that mortgage company. I may be disqualified for this season from doing the God thing I desire. Ann Marie may be disqualified as well as she may have to find a job as well. God's mercy and grace can and may supply another way? But we would not be in this position if I would have calmed and quieted myself. I must also tell you that there was some pride in the decision as well. I didn't check my heart for haughty or lofty. It didn't matter in the heat of the moment.
I know that in the long run God has not deserted us and that the error of my ways will work for His good. But.... in the mean time I am having to fight an outer collapse. Slowing life down is not easy in the western world. To know that almost any item I purchase is already out of date is fast paced. And it seems to be getting faster. Yet in everything concerning God and my relationship with Him it seems that I am still being directed to calm and quite myself.
LORD, my heart is not haughty, Nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, Nor with things too profound for me. That will only become truth through a calmed and quieted my soul,
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