Yet To Be Titled

We believe God will intervene, we pray for a miracle, and our prayers come back seemingly unanswered.

Today I'm going to use two different colors of text. Black for my words and blue for the book.

CHAPTER 2 Up In Smoke

Chapter 2 is all about a man named Richard who was a theology student at Wheaton Bible College and wanted Philip to review a paper he had written on the book of Job. Richard and Philip had never met but after a phone conversation Philip agreed to review the paper.

Richard and Philip conversed over the next year in a series of phone calls. Then one day Richard again called and stated that he had signed a book contract based on his paper.

Then... six months later shortly before the publication date Richard called and his voice was different. He was tense, edgy and would not speak about the book. All he wanted to do was meet Philip and so they set the time to do so. Richard then told Philip that the book that was about to be released was no longer his belief. He said "I hate God!" Then he said no I don't mean that, "I don't even believe in God."

Eighteen months and everything changed. Richards parents divorced. He said I prayed night and day. I dropped out of school and went home to focus on getting them back together but nothing.

I'm going to share word for word what Richard said because it's where many have been and many are. "I transferred to Wheaton Bible College to learn more about the faith. I figured I must be doing something wrong. At Wheaton, I met people who used phrases like I spoke with God, and the Lord told me. I sometimes talked like that too, but never without a twitch of guilt. Did the Lord really tell me anything? I never heard a voice or had any proof of God I could see or touch. Yet I longed for that kind of closeness.

Each time I faced a crucial decision I would read the Bible and pray for guidance, like your supposed to. Whenever I felt right about the decision, I would act on it. But, I swear, I ended up making the wrong choice every time. Just when I really thought I understood God's will, then everything would backfire on me."

Then Richard told about a job opportunity that had fallen through. The employer reneged on a promise to him and hired someone less qualified, leaving him with debts and no income. The Richard told about how his fiance jilted him. No warning, no explanation just an abrupt change of heart. And the he shared about some physical problems that left him with a sense of helplessness and depression. Richards pastor told him that when things straighten out with your girlfriend they will straighten out with God.

In a short eighteen months Richard's life had changed and so had his perception and belief in God. What changed? Was it God or was it life? Some may think that's a trick question. God is life and our life should be God. Right....? It will take more than today to explain my next statement but I think I will be able to by the end of the book. Here goes.... God is God and life is life. They are not one. God does what God does regardless of life and the circumstances that life brings. He is sovereign. And life does what it does. Example: I can't say that God directs another car to crash into me as I stop at a traffic light. I can say that God can and will use that in some strange way, but as for making it happen........ I'm not there. I don't want to get to deep in this or we'll get to far off from the book.

Richard told how he prayer for four hours pleading with God for some sign. He tells how, at four in the morning he stopped. He says he came to his senses and nothing had happened, so why not forget God and just get on with life. And he says that he felt an instant release, a sense of freedom. He said that he took his Bible and a couple other Christian books, went downstairs opened the back door, sprayed them with lighter fluid from the backyard grill and set them on fire. Going up and down the stairs he repeated the same ritual eight more times. had it not been for the fire department showing up Richard would have burned every book. Richard was done with God.

I know people that have come close to Richard's despair. I have considered once or twice what life would be like without my belief in God. Twenty years ago I pulled back out of every Christian activity I could think of including church. My thought was that I could have relationship with God without all the organized church "stuff". I like Richard got rid of all the books, tapes etc. I didn't burn them I gave them to people who I thought need them. And I kept my Bible. After all I wasn't giving up on God I was just done with organized Christianity. My struggles were not parents divorcing or loss of a job. My struggle came from the inconsistency in the walk of the "Christians". Can I just say that not much has changed in the past twenty years. My plan worked for a while but near the end of that seven years I began to realize and see just how close I was to removing God from my life completely. The things I could see, hear, taste, touch and smell had become more real to me than the God I could not see, hear, taste, touch or smell. I had staked my life on God and for the most part I felt like God couldn't or wouldn't do anything to fix Christianity.

I can not count the number of prayers that I have prayed that seemingly come back unanswered. But I also can not count the number of prayers I didn't pray that have seemingly come back answered. Does that make sense? And then there are the prayers that I have prayed that seemingly have been answered or have they just been the result of life. So many questions.

Yet To Be Titled

"I want a God who would roll up His sleeves and step into my life with power."

That's a quote from the back cover of the book.

Chapter 1 - A Fatal Error

Chapter one is filled with stories and letters from people who have been and may still be disappointed with God. They are all pretty dynamic. One a story about a mother who wrote about her bitterness with God because her daughter was born with spina bifida which led to financial and marriage issues.

Another story is about a man who for years had sought a "cure" for his sexual orientation. He attended healing services, Christian support groups and chemical therapy. He pursued to the point of a form of aversion therapy where psychologist applied electrical shocks to his genitals when he responded to erotic photos of men. Nothing worked and feels that he has been disqualified from following God because of his peculiar curse.

Then there is a woman who is healthy, earns a good salary, has a stable family and yet wakes up most days without a single reason for living. She has put aside any desire for a life with God because when she prays she did not feel like anyone was listening.

Philip says that he has received dozens more letters with another question. Philip this book is about physical pain. But what about pain like mine? Where is God when I hurt emotionally?

I'm glad he makes this clear. Disappointment with God does not only come in dramatic circumstances. It can slip it's way in unexpectedly through the mundaneness of everyday life. Petty disappointments can accumulate over time, undermining our faith with doubt. Does God actually care about everyday details of my life? Should I pray less or more? Does it make a difference if I pray at all? Once those thoughts begin my faith begins to wander. Now my uncertainty cripples me when a major event comes. As I am asked to pray for a person with cancer or some other major need I wonder, even as I pray, can I trust God? Is God listening to me? Will He come through for me, and for this person? Perhaps I'd be better off giving them some money to help them enjoy the last few months or weeks they have to live? I can remember times when I personally got ill and felt embarrassed by it because I'm supposed to be a man of God and as a pastor I'm asked all the time to pray for others. How can I pray for others when I can't believe or pray for myself? How does a healer die of some disease? Shouldn't they just go to sleep and never wake up? Or how about just being taken up? It happened once or twice before so why not now?

The book shares the stories of people who do not blame God. They blame themselves for weak faith. What I believe about God matters. Much of what I hear in church, radio and television is teaching me to apply the extravagant promises of faith more consistently. Philip calls this a book of theology and not technique. He says that this is a book about the nature of God and the goal is to see why God sometimes (often for me) acts in puzzling ways and then other times does not act at all.

I am not journaling this book so that I can play mental badminton with anyone. This affects everyone. At least everyone I know. And if by some chance there is someone out there that it has not, I say get ready. You may not have lived long enough or believed in something hard enough to experience disappointed either in God or your faith. Note I' m not endorsing either one just stating fact. I am also not trying to discourage anyone. I often have felt so inadequate when I am asked for answers regarding this topic. I have had no answers for my own children as each of them have faced being disappointed with God. My daughter who hundreds prayed for during a difficult pregnancy. As prayer went out things changed and hope was restored that she in fact would have the baby. She even named the baby and began prparing for her arrival. Then that hope as quickly as it came turned into disapppiontment. She lost the baby just days before the critical day the doctors had given as a safe marker. WHY? Why hope and then death? It would have been better for my daughter if the end had come before the hope. Did we lose faith? Was she or her husband double minded as some would never speak but would wondered. Did we not pray hard enough or long enough? As a father I wanted to know "GOD WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I Didn't know then and I don't know now. I have no idea if I should have prayed more or less. I am honestly not even sure if the hundreds of prayers changed anything. So I have an anticipation for what lies ahead in the chapters of this book. And... today, I am equally prepared to come to the end and find that there are no answers to all my questions. In fact I'm quite sure of that but an answer for one or two would surfice.... I think?

Yet To Be Titled

I had the weekend to think about this subject of being disappointed with God. The definition that I closed with on Friday kept ringing in my ears. Disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. Let me say it as I heard it. Ed's disappointment occurs when daily circumstances and everyday life with and in God fall far short, is less than expected, not what I signed up for. I might as well be saying "God You missed it. I think over the years because of books, cd's, teaching, training etc.. I have developed a picture of God and what He does and even how He does it. And when He was to do it as well. My view of God has been shaped and molded by life situations which include victories, defeats, high moments, low moments, right and wrong thoughts, teaching and perceptions and every other experience life has given. I will be the first to admit that my view of God has been and still is less than perfect and is more certainly skewed downward than what it could or should be. While I believe I have the mind of Christ according to His word I am painfully aware that it is only to the degree of understanding or knowledge that my mind can comprehend. Let's leave this for a later time and get back to the focus of the book. I do not want to spend time making excuses for why I or anyone else may have at times been disappointed with God.

The book offers a few words of caution. This is not a book of apologetics, so we are not making the case for there being or not being a God. The book and my journaling leaves no room for there to not be an Almighty God who has a purpose and a plan for our lives. Secondly this is not a book to decide whether God performs miracles. It is taken for granted that God has supernatural power and it is His to intervene with when He wills. Our only question should be why aren't God's interventions "ordinaries" rather than "miracles"? And the book is not attempting to present balanced Christian faith. Philip points out that he is writing the book for people who have at one time or another heard the silence of God. He says that studying the book of Job to learn about faith is like studying the history of civilization by examining only the wars. On the other hand there are studies that talk about nothing but the victories and nothing of the wars. This book is about faith and it's done through the eyes of those who doubt and have felt disappointment with God.

GOD WITHIN THE SHADOWS-

I love this statement by Annie Dillard. "You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is required. The stars neither require it nor demand it."

This is a Selah (pause and think on that) moment. The words stir the spirit within me. My heart beats a little faster and my mind comes to life in search of some hidden meaning as I read them.

Yet To Be Titled

As you can read from the title I'm not sure where this is going. Yesterday someone came to the Prayer Room and handed me a stack of books to make available to others. Within the stack was a book by Philip Yancey. The cover on this book is worn. It is torn and ragged around the edges. The pages within the book have turned a yellowish color. I came to two conclusions from the appearance. One was that the book was well read and two that it was old. It was published in 1988 so that does make it old yet the title caused me to think that it would have been a newer book. It's titled DISAPPOINTMENT WITH GOD - Three questions no one asks aloud. For a moment I thought what could have possibly been going on in 1988 that would lead people to be disappointed with God. I mean living today is far more difficult than 1988. People today would be far more likely to be disappointed with God... wouldn't they? But then I realized that since the begining of time people have dealt with the same basic issue of trying to understand God.

So here's what I think I'm going to do. I'm going to read this book and journal my thoughts as I go and see where I end up when I'm done reading it. I don't know why I'm drawn to the book other than I recall the number of people who have come to Ann Marie and I in the past and even now and without saying it in the exact words they say, "I'm disappointed with God". And to be honest I guess that at times in the past I have felt that way as well. I think I have learned why but I'll see what Philip has to say before I share that.

Forward - As Philip began working on this project he states that he began recieving phone calls from people who heard the title. They would aks to talk to him and as he met with them they would tell him that they had never told anyone else but that they had experienced times of disappointment with God. As Ann Marie and I listen to people we find just what Philip found 20 years ago. There is a huge difference between what people expect from God and what they actually experience in their Christian daily walk. We have thousands of books, sermons, cd's. dvd's, the internet, etc., that all promise us success. Success in finances, marriage, parenting, faith and every other topic that you can think of. We are led to believe that we can remove or eliminate anything that we consider a negative in life. These books and sermons etc. all put us in search of being triumphant in life and we learn to expect dramatic evidence of God working in our lives. And when we don't see that dramatic move we feel disappointment, betrayal and most often guilt. The number one thing we hear from people is that they are experiencing a dry spell and often it is followed up with statements that imply some form of guilt. Philip tells of one woman who said, "I kept hearing the phrase, 'personal relationship with Jesus.' But I found to my dismay that it is unlike any other personal relationship. I never saw God, or heard him, or felt him, or experienced the most basic ingredients of a relationship. Either there's something wrong with what I was told, or there's something wrong with me."

I am one of those people who is always talking about a personal rerlationship with God. I have never considered what the woman said. I guess that's because of what I define relationship as. When I grew up I rarely saw my father, so I rarely heard him and he was not a warm and fuzzy so we did not hug and thus I never felt him. But all that being said I knew he was my father because there was a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. I assumed he was there. In some ways that makes it easier for me to accept God. I didn't expect to see him, I didn't need to hear him and I couldn't miss the warm and fuzzie because I had never been exposed to them. But now as I reflect back that could be why I have also strugged so often with God. When what I thought I needed wasn't there I began to doubt if God was there. And that being said I realize that the woman in the book and I actually have the same issues. We just got there in different ways.

Philip says that disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. I'm looking back and asking myself, what was my anticipation based on? A book? A sermon? Another persons experience? A feeling? A result or outcome to a situation? All the above and more. I think that's different today. I'm not after what I can do for God, with God or even through God. I am pursuing being a man after God. (PERIOD) I've never spent as much time during my life to this point as I have in the past 6 months in prayer, on my knees, on my face, submitting and surrendering to God what I have viewed as my gifts, talents, desires.

Disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. SELAH

Relieved Troubled Believer

The Psalmist now is reflecting.... no he's declaring "The waters saw You, O God; The waters saw You, they were afraid; The depths also trembled. The clouds poured out water, The skies sent out a sound; You arrows also flashed about. The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; The lightenings lit up the world; The earth trembled and shook. You way was in the sea, Your path in the great waters, And Your footsteps were not known. You led Your people like a flock. By the hand of Moses and Aaron."

God You are Lord of the storm. SELAH! That has it's own implications. God YOU ARE, sovereign sounds less provocative. Either way I am increasingly aware that while the storm is raging around me it is filled with visible signs of You. Suddenly I'm aware of Your presence. Twenty three times I see You/God, in verses 10-20 where as I saw You/God, 12 times in verses 1-9. And those had tones of blame towards You. It's only about me 4 times in verses 10-20 where as it's all about me (20 times) in verses 1-9. In one night I went from a very troubled believer to a victorious over comer.

Nothing really changed! Whatever I was trusting in did not go away. Whatever I was seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, or smelling did not disappear. But.... who I was trusting in changed everything. Now, I can better respond to the circumstances that surround me. Because I have or am renewing my mind to the mind of Christ and my thoughts are established or should I say re-established in Him my steps are ordered by Him. Out of a REVELATION of my RELATIONSHIP with my Abba Father my RESPONSE is of God.

Troubled Believer Weekend Review

It's late Friday night and I'm just getting to this so that should tell you something. I prefer to write when I'm fresh, at the beginning of my day and not at the close. And I actually considered just blowing this off. But then that just may be the number one cause for becoming a troubled believer?

This is a journal of my conversations with God so to blow it off would be to say that those conversations were not important. I got distracted today and it's taken me all day to get refocused. As I sit here in the Prayer Room, listening to a man sing to God. I have not recognized the words to a single song. This is his conversation with God and I am finding rest just listening in. At moments it feels like I'm ease dropping. But it's the Prayer Room and he has willingly agreed to come and pour out his heart for anyone to hear. So my evening is just rereading Psalm 77 and my journal for the week. The only distraction trying to take me away is the lack of anyone else other than Ann Marie being in the room. I know it's Friday evening. I know it's dinner time. I know, I know.

O God, You are here in Your sanctuary! You are the God who does wonders! I am so thankful for the wonders You have performed this week. You have declared Your strength to me. You have with Your arm redeemed Me. SELAH! (Pause and think on that.)

Recovering Troubled Believer Part 11

Last night while listening to some teaching on salvation I heard a great illustration used many times with the salvation message but found it to apply to the troubled believer study that I'm doing. It's simply the potter and the clay.

The potter is supposed to be God. The clay is supposed to be me. The wheel is supposed to be life. A thought comes right now that the potter owns all the equipment. In this case the wheel or life. All the trouble? God owns all the trouble! That's a days discussion right there.

So let me get this picture in my mind. I am a chunk or block of clay. I am placed into life or on the wheel for illustration purposes and the potter is sitting and looking over me. Picturing this is very important. As I am placed into Life/on the wheel the potter simultaneously begins to make the wheel spin or so to speak life begins. Ok God make me a beautiful piece of art. Hurry up, I can't wait to see what you'll do with me. Please God.... hurry. God? Come on God I want to do something big for you. Something that will cause people to look upon you. Something I'll be remembered for after I'm dead and gone. Then in the absence of what seems to be God's action I decide to take the place of the potter. I now think I'm in control of that which does not belong to me. At this point I try to mold God into what I think to be something beautiful. SELAH!!!!! I am at this moment in the prayer room listening to IHOP Kansas City live via web streaming and they are singing these words over and over. "I am the clay and you are the potter."

I had grand illusions of going through the entire process of the potter, the wheel, the clay, the water and the fire but I think I'll pass. There is way to much in my mind today to put it all down in this blog or for that fact a month of blogs. I went to bed last night at 10:30. I went to sleep at 2:30 AM and got up at 5:45 AM. That should tell you something. No not troubled! But..... certainly stirred up in my spirit. I must go back to the potter sitting at the wheel/Life and looking at the block of clay sitting before Him. I see the potter starring intently at that block of clay. I don't get a sense that He is in any hurry, nor do I sense that He doesn't know what He wants to do. I the block of clay am the only thing in His sight. The rest of creation has been put on hold just for me. There's a sign on the door to the studio that says "Do Not Enter." It's as though he's waiting for an invitation from the clay before He touches it. Yet He is the potter and He can begin when he so desires. I'm not expressing this very well yet in my mind it's as clear as it gets. It must be one of those things that you have to have been there to comprehend or get the value of it. If anyone is interested in more then study the potter idea on your own. There are many website but this one http://42explore.com/pottery.htm has lots of info.

I will simply say that the troubled believer in verses 1 thru 10 is trying to be the potter and is resisting the hand of the potter on his life. He is in a place that he has no business being. In verses 11 thru 20 he returns to being the clay and submits to the hands of the Father's molding.

Psalm 77:13 "Who is so great a God as our God? You are the God who does wonders;

God of wonders, master, potter, You know better than I do. As I have remembered the days of old and meditated on all Your work I cannot come up with one time where I was disappointed. I can't think of one time when You were not enough.

There is an old old song... Have Thine own way Lord. Have Thine own way. All on the altar, I gladly lay. Thou art the Potter, I am the clay. Have Thine own way, have Thine own way.