Yet To Be Titled

"I want a God who would roll up His sleeves and step into my life with power."

That's a quote from the back cover of the book.

Chapter 1 - A Fatal Error

Chapter one is filled with stories and letters from people who have been and may still be disappointed with God. They are all pretty dynamic. One a story about a mother who wrote about her bitterness with God because her daughter was born with spina bifida which led to financial and marriage issues.

Another story is about a man who for years had sought a "cure" for his sexual orientation. He attended healing services, Christian support groups and chemical therapy. He pursued to the point of a form of aversion therapy where psychologist applied electrical shocks to his genitals when he responded to erotic photos of men. Nothing worked and feels that he has been disqualified from following God because of his peculiar curse.

Then there is a woman who is healthy, earns a good salary, has a stable family and yet wakes up most days without a single reason for living. She has put aside any desire for a life with God because when she prays she did not feel like anyone was listening.

Philip says that he has received dozens more letters with another question. Philip this book is about physical pain. But what about pain like mine? Where is God when I hurt emotionally?

I'm glad he makes this clear. Disappointment with God does not only come in dramatic circumstances. It can slip it's way in unexpectedly through the mundaneness of everyday life. Petty disappointments can accumulate over time, undermining our faith with doubt. Does God actually care about everyday details of my life? Should I pray less or more? Does it make a difference if I pray at all? Once those thoughts begin my faith begins to wander. Now my uncertainty cripples me when a major event comes. As I am asked to pray for a person with cancer or some other major need I wonder, even as I pray, can I trust God? Is God listening to me? Will He come through for me, and for this person? Perhaps I'd be better off giving them some money to help them enjoy the last few months or weeks they have to live? I can remember times when I personally got ill and felt embarrassed by it because I'm supposed to be a man of God and as a pastor I'm asked all the time to pray for others. How can I pray for others when I can't believe or pray for myself? How does a healer die of some disease? Shouldn't they just go to sleep and never wake up? Or how about just being taken up? It happened once or twice before so why not now?

The book shares the stories of people who do not blame God. They blame themselves for weak faith. What I believe about God matters. Much of what I hear in church, radio and television is teaching me to apply the extravagant promises of faith more consistently. Philip calls this a book of theology and not technique. He says that this is a book about the nature of God and the goal is to see why God sometimes (often for me) acts in puzzling ways and then other times does not act at all.

I am not journaling this book so that I can play mental badminton with anyone. This affects everyone. At least everyone I know. And if by some chance there is someone out there that it has not, I say get ready. You may not have lived long enough or believed in something hard enough to experience disappointed either in God or your faith. Note I' m not endorsing either one just stating fact. I am also not trying to discourage anyone. I often have felt so inadequate when I am asked for answers regarding this topic. I have had no answers for my own children as each of them have faced being disappointed with God. My daughter who hundreds prayed for during a difficult pregnancy. As prayer went out things changed and hope was restored that she in fact would have the baby. She even named the baby and began prparing for her arrival. Then that hope as quickly as it came turned into disapppiontment. She lost the baby just days before the critical day the doctors had given as a safe marker. WHY? Why hope and then death? It would have been better for my daughter if the end had come before the hope. Did we lose faith? Was she or her husband double minded as some would never speak but would wondered. Did we not pray hard enough or long enough? As a father I wanted to know "GOD WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I Didn't know then and I don't know now. I have no idea if I should have prayed more or less. I am honestly not even sure if the hundreds of prayers changed anything. So I have an anticipation for what lies ahead in the chapters of this book. And... today, I am equally prepared to come to the end and find that there are no answers to all my questions. In fact I'm quite sure of that but an answer for one or two would surfice.... I think?