Yet To Be Titled

CHAPTER 8 - ONE SHINING MOMENT

Leo Tolstoy, convinced that God would help him fly, dove headfirst out of a third-floor window and experienced his first major crisis of disappointment with God. Years later He could laugh at his childish test of faith.

Do we pray as though God was a genie in a bottle, granting us wishes we want. If so how many do we get? How many of us in an hour of desperation or disappointment instinctively promise God anything if only..... God PLEASE get me out of this. God if you could get me out of this .... if things calm down.... if I get well.... then I will follow you God. Richard and many of us believe that anyone with a brain and common sense would gladly follow God like a faithful puppy if only God acted fairly, spoke clearly, and made Himself obvious.

One need only look at the Israelites to dispel that belief. The rebuttal argument from us would be that their faith faltered because of the harshness of the living conditions. Who wouldn't lose heart under those circumstances and so we could use the same argument. Who wouldn't lose faith when you need to care for a family and your job is taken from you. I see a problem with this last argument as being based on perspective and perspective is subject to individual interpretation. Kind of like one man's trash is another mans dream.

Then it all changed. Psalm 78 says "Then the Lord awoke as from sleep, as a man wakes from a stupor of wine." God found David a man after His own heart. Yet David broke every law on the books except for one: he loved God with all his heart, all his mind and all his soul. This means that God does not just respond to obedience or well behaved people. So it's not because I'm not perfect that God does not seemingly answer all my prayers or seems hidden, silent and unobvious. And while God did open up to David it was not without hardships and trials and battles. A wanted and hunted man by Saul had it's challenges. Facing the bear and the lion and Goliath had it's challenges as well. How about David being anointed by Samuel as King at a very young age and in the next moment he's back tending sheep. Look how many years before that came to be a reality?

In my own research outside of Philip's book I can not find one man of God who eventually received the promises of God who didn't first go through some stuff. Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Job, David, Noah, and the list goes on and I'm sure we each would differentiate between each of them as to what the degree of hardship was. Which one of their lives would I like to live? Who's life do I see today that I would be willing to trade for? Can I pick like from a buffet? Maybe then I could come up with a platter that would satisfy my hunger? What is it that I'm being served that I do not like? Is it the carrots, the string beans or the fish? Why can't I just run through the drive-up at heavens gates and order up what I want? No vegetables but a double portion of meat and potatoes will do just fine... so I often think. Then I get the food only to find that the potatoes are cold or worse, they are old and so over cooked that they are brown. Oh ya worse than that would be that they aren't real, they are instant. And the meat is over cooked or worse yet under cooked. And or tough or fatty.

Seems like I am always making judgements? Truth is maybe my whole problem is that I'm just tired of making choices about so many things in my life. Have I made life too complicated or is life complicated? I sure hope that somewhere in the next 24 chapters I find some clarity, some resolution. I say that with great hesitancy and a little fear that I am going to find that I already know what I am after. I already have the answers. I already have all the clarity I need. That word "faith" keeps ringing in my mind and is leaving me unsettled.

I came up with some to consider as a life I may want to trade for. I'm not saying for sure but just maybe Solomon's life would bring me satisfaction. I'll let you know for sure on Monday after I consider it this weekend.

Yet To Be Titled

CHAPTER 8 - UNFILTERED SUNLIGHT

At the end of Genesis there is a single family small enough to name all the sons and their settling into the haven of Egypt. Exodus begins with a swarm of Israelites toiling as slaves under a hostile pharaoh. Four Hundred years with no written history. That's not unlike Richard's story or our own for that fact. Everything is bright and shining one day and then disappointment comes through some unforseen circumsatnce or some seemingly unfulfilled desire and almost like the changing of the guard relationship with God and many times with those closest to us is now filled with doubt or at a minimum questions that drive us to places we never thought possible. Philip asks, "could it be that some of our feelings of disappointment stem from a habit of skipping over times of silence in favor of the stories of victory?" Good question. Four hundred years, twice as long as the USA has been in existence, the Hebrews serving as slaves and not one thing written in the Bible?

Four hundred years and then God shows Himself in a burning bush to one single man, Moses. Not only did He show Himself but He spoke aloud, "My people have suffered enough." "Now you will see what I will do." And with that said, He looses His divine power for all to see. Ten times in a massive display that not one person would miss seeing. Frogs, gnats, flies, hailstones, and locusts showed all creation proof of the Lord of all creation. But love does not operate according to the rules of power. SELAH (pause and think on that) Perhaps that may be one reason why God seems shy to use His power.

The following is a sort of diary of God and His relationship with Israel.

On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. "Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!" I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels. Your breasts were formed and your hair grew, you who were naked and bare.
"Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine. "I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. 10 I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.

And yet He knew what they would do: "I know what they are disposed to do, even before I bring them into the land." He so desired things to work out differently: "Oh that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all My commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever." But that was not the case.

The Israelites with few exceptions seemed to always be disappointed with God. Manna every day for forty years could get a little old? "We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost - also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite." Listen to what kind of relationship with God the Israelites had. "We will die! We are lost, we are all lost! Anyone who even comes near the tabernacle of the Lord will die." "Let us not hear the voice of the Lord our God nor see this great fire anymore, or we will die." Doesn't sound like any love relationship that I'm familiar with? Out of the thousands who gladly fled Egypt only two entered the promised land. It seems as though the closer God drew towards the Israelites the more distant they felt from Him. I have felt that way as well. Being in the prayer center for an uncountable number of hours each week where I can seemingly get close to God, is often difficult because He seems... further away. What is it, that makes me feel that way?

Chapter 8 ends with "Who can dwell with the consuming fire?" asked the prophet Isaiah. Is it possible that we should be grateful for God's hiddenness, rather than disappointed?

Yet To Be Titled

So God wanted faith from Abraham. Did Richards change of heart and Philip's three questions come from a lack of faith? Have my own questions come in light of not enough faith?

The Bible uses "by faith" to describe what Abraham, Issac and Jacob went through. Faith is what God valued and it seems clear and I say seems clear that God recognizes faith as a sign of Love for Him.

Philip recommends reading Genesis all the way through in one sitting. He says that you cannot help noticing the change in how God related to His people. At first He stayed close by, walking in the garden with them and punishing their individual sins, speaking to them directly, intervening constantly. In Abraham's day He sent angels or messengers on house calls. And by Jacob's time... the messages were far more general or ambiguous. A mysterious dream about a ladder, a late-night wrestling match. By the end of Genesis you have Joseph and God slows down and appears to be working behind the scenes. God spoke to Joseph through dreams. Joseph, a man who made valiant attempts at goodness was rewarded with trouble. His brothers throw him in a cistern. He resisted sexual advance and landed in prison. He interpreted a dream to save a cell mate , and the cell mate forgets about him. Did Joseph ask questions like Richard? Did Joseph wonder if God was unfair, silent and hidden?

Now the flip side of Joseph is this. Did God "pull back" intentionally to allow Joseph's faith to reach a new level of maturity? More time is spent in Genesis on Joseph than any other person. There must be lessons for me in that. Joseph learned that through all the trials he would trust in God. Not that God would prevent the trials but that He would redeem the very trials. A teary eyed Joseph tries to explain his faith to his brothers: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." INTENDED - purposed; designed; intentional. Joseph's brothers purposed, designed, and intentionally wanted to harm him. God on the other hand purposed, designed and intentionally wanted to us IT for good. Hear the little two letter word there in the second part of the sentence. IT...... It was the trip down into a cistern. Brothers, blood relatives that Joseph could see and hear every day intended it to harm him. God, who Joseph did not see or hear every day intended it for good. How did he know that? Joseph could have perceived God as unfair, silent and hidden. Instead he was somehow able to recognize it as God's intention for it to be good. I want to know what, the "WHAT" was. Maybe I'm just not getting it?

After all it is only chapter 7.

Two years ago Ann Marie and I studied Joseph and came away with some great revelations. When all was said and done it came down to this title. "There is power in the process to the promise." I suppose there could be a hundred variations of that. Maturity comes in the process to the promise? But who goes around looking for, asking for or praying for the "process" to to come into our lives? I can't say that I have ever danced for joy when the process gets in my face and demands attention unceasingly. When it interrupts my sleep night after night and overwhelms my thoughts day after day it bring frustration and always questions. GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING or GOD DON"T YOU CARE? GOD WHERE ARE YOU? And ultimately, where did I go wrong? Did I miss God?

As I was talking with someone this week about this the thought came, "I don't wake up every morning and ask Ann Marie if we're married?" I don't ask, "are you still my wife and the mother of our children?" Why not! There are challenges in our relationship that make marriage less than what I expected at times. So why no questions? Because I have a confidence in her and our relationship. We may not talk for an hour but I don't immediately begin questioning whether I'm married or not. But... when it comes to God.... When life is less than what I expected it to be, the questions about my relationship with God take on a life of their own. I'm not sure which side of the case I'm making the point for? I may have just dug myself into a hole?

Does it really boil down to a single word? FAITH? I have resisted telling people that they just needed more faith. I can't even force myself to say that someone wasn't healed because they didn't have enough faith. Who am I to say that someones faith was weak? Even if I don't speak the words out loud I struggle with the thought that... that's what it comes down to. Lack of faith. Weak faith. No faith. Struggling faith. So I guess I should get back to the book and see if Philip can help me understand.

Yet To Be Titled

Adam and Eve in a garden paradise, yet they rebelled? God walked with them and if they had any disappointments of complaints they could speak directly to Him. What were they thinking?

In Genesis 3 we see exactly what God was thinking. Sadness over the broken relationship and perhaps a touch of anger? "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." Adam and Eve made their choice out of freedom and found that it came now with new limitations. There was now distance between themselves and God and Philip states that every quiver of disappointment in our own relationship with God is an aftershock from their initial act of rebellion.

CHAPTER 7 - THE PARENT

God did not cast off all His creation after Adam and Eve rebelled. Yes the disruption in Eden changed the world forever and destroyed intimacy between them but the story goes on. Now God and human beings had to get used to each other. Man would break all the rules and God responded with individual punishments. As a parent of two I understand the concept. When Adam sinned, God shows up and explains that all creation would have to adjust to the choice that he, Adam had made. Then in the next generation of mankind, murder is introduced to God. God goes directly to Cain and says, "Listen! Your brothers blood cries out to me from the ground." God then applies a punishment to fit the individual. And that was not the end. Man continued to make choices that displeased God to the point of having a broken heart. The next statement leaves no room for guessing as to how God felt. "The Lord was grieved that He had made man on earth, and His heart was filled with pain."

As a result what God created, God destroyed. The joy of Genesis 1 vanished under never ending waters of a flood. The flood established the minimum level of relationship. Party one, God agrees not to obliterate party two, man. God in giving that promise, limited Himself. God was now in the position of the parent of a runaway teenager. He forced Himself to become the waiting father. The story of the Prodigal Son illustrates this role better than any I could tell.

If it was God's intention to have a mature relationship with FREE human beings, He certainly met with a series of rude setbacks. God the Father of creation trying to relate to man as mature adults and mankind acting like runaway children.

Then in Genesis 12 there is a change in God's direction. He steps in not to punish but to set in motion a new plan for human history. Simply put it appears as though God, instead of trying to restore the whole earth at one time decides to pioneer a settlement of people. "Abraham, I will make you into a great nation, with many people bearing your name, and from that nation I will bless all peoples on earth." And from that declaration the father of this new nation becomes the first example of a person severely disappointed in God. Abraham had miracles. Abraham entertained angels in his home. Abraham dreamed mystical visions of smoking fire pots. But one problem. After the revelation from God, there came silence - long years of bewildering silence.

"Go claim the land I have for you, " God said. But Abraham found Cannan dry as a bone, its inhabitants dying of famine and to stay alive Abraham fled to Egypt. "You'll have descendants as countless as the stars in the sky," God said. At age 75 Abraham still envisioned the tent filled with the sounds of children playing. At 85 Abraham worked out a backup plan with a female servant. At 99 the promise seemed ludicrous and when God showed up to confirm it, Abraham laughed in His face.

God seemingly had dangled a carrot and then watched a barren couple advance toward old age. What kind of game was or is He playing? What does He want from us? It appears as though He simply wants faith. He wanted Abraham to believe when there was no reason left to do so. Out of that faith came a child named Isaac which means "Laughter." Abraham did not live to see descendants as countless as the stars in the sky, but he and Sarah bore one child who preserved the memory of absurd faith.

Did God fall short in His promise? Descendants as countless as the stars in the sky. You only have to read on to see that God fulfilled His word, but not in the timeline that I would have placed on the promise. I would have expected it in Abrahams life time in order for me to consider it a promise kept. My mistake! The promise did not come with details as to when. The how was given. Abraham and Sarah would bear a child and they did. Abraham at 99 years old and Sarah at 90 years old got the ball rolling. It beagn when Abraham learned the lesson God had for him. The bible says, "God wanted faith." Abrahm learned to believe when there was no reason left to believe.

Yet To Be Titled

CHAPTER 6 - RISKY BUSINESS

The book goes to the only place it can in my estimation. Who is God? One way to begin to understand who God is to ask how does it feel to be God. In Genesis 1 God lays out the simplest sketch of our world - sun, stars, oceans, plants, fish, beasts, man and His satisfaction with each creation.

"And God saw that it was good." Creation as God felt it. Every person who has created anything has had that same experience. A pianist who plays before a crowd which gives them a standing ovation. A child who takes popsicle sticks and some glue and creates a masterpiece for their parents. They see what they have done, and it is good. There is a sense of satisfaction that comes from things we do. There are those things that bring a smile to our face. A new parent who holds a baby, their baby, close against their flesh for the first time and knows that they were a part of this child's creation. That's how God felt as He looked over creation and pronounced it as good. In the very beginning there were no disappointments. Only smiles of joy.

Philip then goes to a place that until recently while reading a book by A W Tozer I had never considered. Every Creator, from a child with Play-Doh to Michelangelo, learns that creation involves a kind of self-limiting. You produce something that did not exist before, yes, but only by ruling out other options along the way. Pick up a pencil and start drawing and you have now limited yourself to black and white, not color. No artist escapes limitation. When Michelangelo decide to paint on plaster he limited himself. There would not be the three dimensional aspect that he had achieved in sculptures. SELAH! ( pause and think on that)

When God created, He invented the media for His creation as He created. With every creation came a limitation. He chose a world of time and space, a "medium" with limitations. God who sees future, past and present all at once selected sequential time as an artist selects a canvas, and palette. "And God said, let the water teem with living creatures." With that sentence came a thousand decisions; fish with gills and not lungs, scales not fur, fins not feet, blood not sap. Every choice eliminated the alternatives.

When God creates man He gave them the moral capacity to rebel against their creator. The sculptures could spit in the face of the sculptor. The characters could rewrite the lines. They were free. It's been said that "Man is God's risk." How does a sovereign God take risks?

I will close today with William Irwin Thompson's rendition of creation.

Imagine God in Heaven surrounded by the choirs of adoring angels singing hosannas unendingly... "If I create a perfect world, I know how it will turn out. In its absolute perfection, it will revolve like a perfect machine, never deviating from my absolute will." Since God's imagination is perfect, there is no need for Him to create such a universe; it is enough for Him to imagine it to see it in all its details. Such a universe would not be very interesting to man or God, so we can assume that the Divinity continued His meditations. "But what if I create a universe that is free, free even of Me? What if I veil My Divinity so that the creatures are free to pursue their individual lives without being overwhelmed by My overpowering Presence? Will the creature love Me? Can I be loved by whom I have not programmed to adore Me forever? Can love arise out of freedom? My angels love Me unceasingly, but they can see Me at all time. What if I create beings in My own image as a Creator, beings who are free? But if I introduce freedom into the universe, I take the risk of introducing Evil into it as well. Hmmm. But what if I continue to interact with this dynamic universe, what if I and the creation become the creators together of a great cosmic play? What if out of every occasion of evil, I respond with an unimaginable good, a good that overwhelms evil by springing out of the very attempts of evil to deny Good? Will these new creature of freedom then love Me, will they join with Me in creating Good out of Evil, novelty out of freedom? What if I join with them in the world of limitation and form, the world of suffering and evil? Ahh, in a truly free universe, even I do not know how it will turn out. Do I even dare to take that risk for love?

Yet To Be Titled

I have completed what the book calls Part 1 with no revelations or any better understanding and most definitely feeling no better about how not to every experience disappointment with God. My normal pattern would be to not read any further. If a book does not captivate me or engage me in the first couple chapters, I usually never finish reading it. Originally I felt drawn to this book and I thought it may have been by the spirit. I may have been drawn alright, but it may have been by my soul (mind will and emotion).

Disappointment with God definitely tries to take refuge in my mind and it almost comes off as a challenge to my will and stirs up my emotions is an understatement. Not really sure, but we're ankle deep in this so let's get in a little further. My reluctance is added to by the fact that I had not read anything other than the Bible since this time last year. Now I'm reading my first book in some time and....... let's just say I'm not blown away. Were my expectations to high or incorrectly founded? So...... disappointment?

If so, in my spirit or in the book or in Philip?

There seems to be something here to investigate. Right now I'm getting a picture of me acting as judge and jury over this material. I'm looking very exhausted as I have been sitting and acting this way for an undetermined, but very long period of time. One thing after another is coming before me and I am declaring whether it is what I expected it to be or not. I have declared death or imprisonment to a huge pile of things. I am actually running out of room to put the things I am declaring as unmet expectations or disappointments. Then over in the corner is this very small stack of things that I have determined to have not disappointed me or to have met my expectations. As I look closer it appears as though they are shivering. I ask them why they are shivering and they can hardly speak the words but after a moment they say that they are afraid. Afraid that they will not meet my expectations and that they too will one day be added to the stack of those things that have disappointed me. Perhaps that's TMI (To much information)?

I can tell you that I am not interested in fake it till you make it. I am now seeing that there is a fine line between having done all you can do (according to the word) and faking it till you make it. I am also getting an inkling that there is also a difference between being disappointed with God and experiencing the wonder of God. Wonder being the unknown of God.

There are two different types of wonder according to the dictionary.

1. To be filled with admiration, amazement or awe.

2. To think or speculate curiously.

The second is what I'm referring to. I had a set of facts before me, I had expectations established, and may I add expectations rightly or wrongly established, and I am wondering why or why not. WONDER vs DISAPPOINTMENT? Is there a difference? I think so but before I get ahead of myself and Philip, I'll stop and call it a week. Then we'll come back next week and see what Part 2 has to offer.

Yet To Be Titled

Chapter 5 - THE SOURCE

Philip shares in the beginning of this chapter about a two week trip of seclusion where he simply read the Bible from cover to cover. He shared that in church and in seminary he had learned to think of God as an unchanging, invisible spirit who possesses such qualities as omnipotence, omniscience and impassibility (incapable of emotion). But by simply reading through the Bible Philip found a person. A unique and distinctive person who has deep emotions.

His conclusion was that the tree questions were not puzzles awaiting solution. He determined that they were problems of relationship between man and a God who wants desperately to love and be loved by us.

He then changes the questions to the following. Why is God unfair to me? Why does He seem silent and hidden from me? When He returned fro his two week sabbatical he began to pursue the relationship between man and a passionate God hungry for the love of His people. He determined that all feelings of disappointment with God trace back to a breakdown in that relationship. HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM?

RELATIONSHIP! That's the exact place where I was a year ago. Everything is about relationship. Last year I spent much time studying that and trying to understand what that looked like. A year later all I'm willing to share is that it did not turn out to look like what I thought. To say more would be to speak unedifying things at worst and grumbling at best. Most everyone has there own stories of disappointment with relationships so you don't need to here mine. I still believe, like Philip, that the root of disappointment with God is a breakdown in the relationship. But I'm not 100% convinced that it's always my breakdown. I guess that's why I'm reading to book. I want to see if Philip is on my side or God's side?

RELAX!!!! I actually know that the breakdown is on my part and I know there are no sides! I have my moments of delusion just like the next person. And when delusion is not the excuse I use denial for a few moments. I never said I had all the answers!

Yet To Be Titled

And so we come to the third question. Is God Hidden? Why doesn't He simply show up sometime, visibly, and dumbfound the skeptics once and for all? First off I don't like the insinuation that I am a skeptic. I don't think of myself in that way but for the purpose of this time I will leave myself open to the smallest possibility of truth. Philip states that the real hungering desire of our age, if there is one, is that we want proof, evidence, a personal appearance, so that the God we have heard about becomes the God we see. To some degree I agree with that so I guess that to some degree I too am a skeptic.

Philip tells the story of Moses and how that very thing happened. God showed up in person and spoke to Moses face to face. God and Moses in a tent. Moses would go to the tent to talk with God and the entire camp would come out to watch. A pillar of cloud, God's visible presence, blocked the entrance to the tent. No one except for Moses knew what exactly went on inside and truth be told no one wanted to know. "Speak to us and we will listen," they said to Moses. "But do not have God speak to us or we will die." After each session with God Moses would exit glowing with light as the Glory of God remained. People actually had to turn away until He covered his head with a veil.

No one in those days spoke about waiting for God to show up. They saw the evidence, a clear visual experience. Any skeptic could hike over to Mount Sinai and touch the trembling mountain, and all doubts would vanish, one second before he did.

Yet with all that I can hardly believe what happened during those days. Moses climbs the mountain and while doing so the people below, the very people who lived through the ten plagues of Egypt, who crossed the Red Sea on dry ground, who drank water from a rock, who ate manna, those same people got so bored or impatient or whatever that they forgot all about God. By the time Moses returned they were dancing like heathens around a golden calf. The Israelites responded not with worship and love but with fear and rebellion. God's visible presence did nothing to improve lasting faith.

Philip explains how he had taken Richards complaints about God and put them into three simple questions. He pursued answering the three questions and found that the biblical answers, the facts of history provided no quick solutions. In fact the three questions and the following findings did nothing to solve the problems of disappointment with God. There was an overwhelming sense that there is a deeper underlying question to all this.

Alright then I'm not alone! Because that's exactly where I have been. For me, and I know it's different for each person, but for me God has not been nor is unfair all the time. For me and again I say, I know it's different for each person, but for me He has not been, nor is He always silent. And lastly God has not been nor is He always hidden from me. BUT..... the nagging question about the times He is or seems to be unfair, silent and hidden still exists.

It's obvious that a well-stocked life with miracles and spectacular signs of God's presence brought dismal results from the Israelites. So, Philip asks, "Would a burst of miracles nourish faith?" he says, and I agree, NO, not the kind of faith God seems interested in, evidently. The Israelites give us ample proof that signs may only addict us to signs, not to God.

The three questions seem only to leave more questions. Has God changed? Has God pulled back? Has God withdrawn Himself? OR........................................... Does God have a clue as to what He's doing? Is this all an experiment? And if so what does He want from me and what can I expect from Him.

Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal Himself in a way that would leave no room for Doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me. - Fredrick Buechner

Yet To Be Titled

If He is so concerned about our doing His will, why doesn't he reveal that will more plainly?

Question #2 - Is God Silent?

Various people claim to hear God. Some are crazy, some are just misguided and there are some who are authentic who carry out the tradition of apostles and prophets. In the old testament it was easy to get God's take on things. The Israelites in the wilderness asked, "Should we pack up our tent and move today or stay put? All the Israelite had to do was look at the cloud. Yes the cloud. That's as clear as it gets..... I think? If the cloud moved, move. If it stayed, stay. You could check God's will day or night as the cloud turned into a pillar of fire at night. Then for all the things that the cloud did not cover there were 613 laws that covered everything from behavior to murder. You would have to have been insane to complain about unclear guidance in those days. But as I asked yesterday, did a clear word from God increase the likelihood of obedience? Apparently not.

God told them "Do not go up and fight the Amorites, because I will not be with you." The Israelites promptly went up and fought the Amorites a......n.......d........... LOST. Philip studied to find answers and came to the conclusion that clear guidance became as much of a issue to that generation as unclear guidance is to us. Those people made it a national pastime to invent ways to break the 613 commands. He also came to the conclusion that the very clear guidance that God gave to the Israelites actually stunted their faith. Why pursue God when He had already revealed Himself so clearly? Why step out in faith when He had already guaranteed the results? Why wrestle with the dilemma of conflicting choices when God had already resolved all the dilemmas. Philip summarizes his thoughts about the Israelites this way. Why should the Israelites act like adults when they could act like children? And act like children they did, grumbling and complaining against the leaders, cheating on the CLEAR rules governing manna, whining about every food and water shortage.

After forty years of crystal clear guidance the Israelites failed in being obedient so miserably that God started over with a new generation. My immediate thought is I'm not as foolish as the Israelites. I've learned from their mistakes. I'm a part of that new generation. So bring back the cloud by day and the fire by night. Ok, that would not answer every question. And as I pause...... I must admit that I don't want the 613 laws back. But... maybe the cloud by day and fire by night would be enough? If that truly is what I believe then isn't my dilemma the same as Richards? Am I not saying I'm really needing proof that God actually exists?

Is God silent? I know Philp says that there are the three questions 1 Is God unfair? 2 Is God silent? 3 Is God hidden? but I'm not sure at this point if they are the real questions? God was not unfair, nor silent in the wilderness and the people still couldn't or I should say wouldn't follow Him. Would we do better today? And if we think we would I'd love to hear some reasons as to why we think we would and if someone has some proof that we would I'd be thrilled to see it.

Yet To Be Titled

Unlike Richard, I could not come up with a defining moment when my question as to whether God cared or not came from. I searched all weekend to see if that was my case and today I'm confident that it is not. Yet I have asked the questions Richard asked. My answer has been that it must not be God's time or God's plan and many times, I must have missed God. My resolution to the questions seem to be the pat answers that did nothing for Richard. Those options are not always satisfying for me but they have sufficed. I do believe God cares and yet wonder why on so many issues so many times. Was the picture not clear? Did I not understand? Maybe more study or a different formula would have produced different results. Perhaps more faith?

CHAPTER 4 - WHAT IF

Richard said, "If only God solved those three problems, then faith would flourish like flowers in springtime. Wouldn't it?" If I only knew the will of God? If only He would speak to me? If only it was more clear? If only I knew Greek and Hebrew? If only.....

Philip shares how he was studying Exodus and it jumped out to him that the book of Exodus describes the very world Richard wanted. It showed God stepping into human history almost daily. God was fair and spoke so that everyone could hear Him. AND, He made Himself visible! Yet if God has the power to act fairly, speak audibly and appear visible, why, then, does He seem so reluctant to intervene today?

The book then takes each question separately and looks at what the world might look like if God did intervene.

Question 1 - IS GOD FAIR?

Why doesn't He consistently punish evil people and reward good people? Why do awful things happen to people good and bad, with no discernible pattern?

Philip describes a world designed so that we experience a mild jolt pain with every sin and trickle of pleasure with every act of virtue. Imagine that every errant doctrine attracts a lightening bolt, while every reputation of the Apostles' Creed stimulates our brains to produce an endorphin of pleasure. The Old testament records a "behavior modification" experiment almost that blatant: God's covenant with the Israel people with strict, legislated fairness.

Obedience - Prosperous cities and rural areas

Disobedience - Violence, crime and poverty everywhere

Obedience No sterility among men, women, or livestock

Disobedience - Infertility among people and livestock

Obedience - Assured success in farming

Disobedience - Crop failure, locusts and worms

Obedience - Dependable weather conditions

Disobedience - Scorching heat, drought, blight and mildew

Obedience - Guaranteed military victories

Disobedience - Domination by other nations

If they were obedient, Moses said, God would set them "high above all the nations on the earth" The Israelites were promised protection from virtually every kind of human misery and DISAPPOINTMENT. On the other hand, if they disobeyed they would become "a thing of horror and an object of scorn and ridicule to all nations where the Lord will drive you... Joshua and Judges tell the stories of the Israelites. Fifty years later the Israelites were in an utter state of anarchy. Absolute clarity and they fell far short. The Old testament serves as an object lesson demonstrating that we are incapable of fulfilling a covenant with God no matter how clear it is. Did a clear word from God increase the likelihood of obedience? Apparently not. Would a clear word from God today increase the likelihood of Love or faith? Apparently not!

Yet To Be Titled

Broken homes, health issues, failed relationships, lost jobs............. world class disappointments?

Those very things caused Richard to act on the doubts that they created. And what about me? Which situations have and do cause me to act on the doubt? Oh, in case you don't already know what the doubt is it's simply this. Does God really care? And if so, why won't He reach down and fix the things that go wrong-----at least some of them! For me the question at times has been slightly different. If He does care, and not about the things of life but about what I have thought I was doing as God things why won't He take care of the issues that come with those things. Yes I know that everything I have done thinking it was a God thing has not necessarily been. But is that why the prayers over and for those things seemingly go unanswered?

Those disappointments took Richard to a place of anger and pain. He experienced them as matters of betrayal rather than matters of faith. The book goes on to break down disappointments into three separate questions that nobody really speaks out loud.

THREE QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS ALOUD

Is God unfair? Richard tried to follow God and yet his life fell apart. And yet there are people who deny God and they prosper anyway. Nothing new to this question it is as old as Job and has been a stumbling block to faith for generations.

Is God silent? Richard begged God for clear direction. Each time he thought he had God's will figured out it his choice led him to failure. Richard like all of us have been told that God loves us and most of us have been taught that God has a plan for us, a plan not to harm us but to prosper us. So why doesn't he just tell us what that plan is with absolute clarity?

Is God hidden? Richard felt that God should somehow prove himself. His question was, "How can I have a relationship with someone I'm not sure exists?"

A true atheist I presume does not feel disappointment with God as they expect nothing and supposedly receive nothing from God. BUT.... for those of us who commit our lives to God, we no matter what, instinctively expect something in return. That sounds terrible as I read it back to myself but I must admit that deep down it's true. Are my expectations wrong? What are the promises in the word for if not to bring hope and some expectation?

Philip and Richard did not see each other for about three years. When they ran into each other in a mall Richard said, "Life is treating me much better now." He had a promising job and had put his failed relationship behind him. As for the subject of God, cynicism covered the wounds and he was as angry with God as ever. Richard shared how from the time of his conversion to faith he had always searched for hard evidence of God verses acceptance by faith. He said that when he spoke to pastors about his quest for evidence they would tell him to believe whether he felt like it or not and the feelings will eventually follow. Richard said, "They never did so I just faked it." Richard then shared the one story that he had determined as the beginning point of his doubt. For the sake of time I'll share the basics of the story. I think it's important as over the years people have shared a single incident as the starting point for successes and failures in their life.

Richard saw Katheryn Kuhlman on television and one day saw that she would be in a town nearby and so he skipped school and went to see her. One person came to the meeting on a stretcher and walked out of the meeting. He was healed from lung cancer and had been told he only had months to live. But tonight he declared that he was healed, and he felt great. Richard determined that he had seen the living proof he was searching for. One week later Richard decided he wanted to meet the man and so he got a phone number. He called and asked to speak to the man and all he heard was long silence. Eventually the woman spoke the words, "My... husband... is...dead!" Richard was devastated and from that moment on uncertainty outweighed certainty. Everything from that time on was to find proof that God was out there. Richard summed up the conversation by saying, "if there is a God then He is just toying with us and He should stop playing games and show Himself."

Are those three questions the real questions or do they boil down to one question? Do I believe in God? And if I do, what do I believe about Him? For me that would mean that I would have to know something about who He is. That does not mean that I understand all there is about them. When I go home at night I walk in the door and flip on the light switch and my expectation is usually met with light filling the room. I do not understand how that all works. But there are times when that light goes out. It could be a burnt out bulb which really has nothing at all to do with the source of the light... or does it? The power is still coming to the socket yet there is no light? There are times when the power is disrupted. Yet it does not cause me to doubt the switch. Every day I still come home and every day I still go to the switch with that same expectation. During hurricane season a few years ago the that switch sometimes met and sometimes did not meet my expectation. yet it did not deter me from going to the switch or dampen my expectaion.

Yet To Be Titled

We believe God will intervene, we pray for a miracle, and our prayers come back seemingly unanswered.

Today I'm going to use two different colors of text. Black for my words and blue for the book.

CHAPTER 2 Up In Smoke

Chapter 2 is all about a man named Richard who was a theology student at Wheaton Bible College and wanted Philip to review a paper he had written on the book of Job. Richard and Philip had never met but after a phone conversation Philip agreed to review the paper.

Richard and Philip conversed over the next year in a series of phone calls. Then one day Richard again called and stated that he had signed a book contract based on his paper.

Then... six months later shortly before the publication date Richard called and his voice was different. He was tense, edgy and would not speak about the book. All he wanted to do was meet Philip and so they set the time to do so. Richard then told Philip that the book that was about to be released was no longer his belief. He said "I hate God!" Then he said no I don't mean that, "I don't even believe in God."

Eighteen months and everything changed. Richards parents divorced. He said I prayed night and day. I dropped out of school and went home to focus on getting them back together but nothing.

I'm going to share word for word what Richard said because it's where many have been and many are. "I transferred to Wheaton Bible College to learn more about the faith. I figured I must be doing something wrong. At Wheaton, I met people who used phrases like I spoke with God, and the Lord told me. I sometimes talked like that too, but never without a twitch of guilt. Did the Lord really tell me anything? I never heard a voice or had any proof of God I could see or touch. Yet I longed for that kind of closeness.

Each time I faced a crucial decision I would read the Bible and pray for guidance, like your supposed to. Whenever I felt right about the decision, I would act on it. But, I swear, I ended up making the wrong choice every time. Just when I really thought I understood God's will, then everything would backfire on me."

Then Richard told about a job opportunity that had fallen through. The employer reneged on a promise to him and hired someone less qualified, leaving him with debts and no income. The Richard told about how his fiance jilted him. No warning, no explanation just an abrupt change of heart. And the he shared about some physical problems that left him with a sense of helplessness and depression. Richards pastor told him that when things straighten out with your girlfriend they will straighten out with God.

In a short eighteen months Richard's life had changed and so had his perception and belief in God. What changed? Was it God or was it life? Some may think that's a trick question. God is life and our life should be God. Right....? It will take more than today to explain my next statement but I think I will be able to by the end of the book. Here goes.... God is God and life is life. They are not one. God does what God does regardless of life and the circumstances that life brings. He is sovereign. And life does what it does. Example: I can't say that God directs another car to crash into me as I stop at a traffic light. I can say that God can and will use that in some strange way, but as for making it happen........ I'm not there. I don't want to get to deep in this or we'll get to far off from the book.

Richard told how he prayer for four hours pleading with God for some sign. He tells how, at four in the morning he stopped. He says he came to his senses and nothing had happened, so why not forget God and just get on with life. And he says that he felt an instant release, a sense of freedom. He said that he took his Bible and a couple other Christian books, went downstairs opened the back door, sprayed them with lighter fluid from the backyard grill and set them on fire. Going up and down the stairs he repeated the same ritual eight more times. had it not been for the fire department showing up Richard would have burned every book. Richard was done with God.

I know people that have come close to Richard's despair. I have considered once or twice what life would be like without my belief in God. Twenty years ago I pulled back out of every Christian activity I could think of including church. My thought was that I could have relationship with God without all the organized church "stuff". I like Richard got rid of all the books, tapes etc. I didn't burn them I gave them to people who I thought need them. And I kept my Bible. After all I wasn't giving up on God I was just done with organized Christianity. My struggles were not parents divorcing or loss of a job. My struggle came from the inconsistency in the walk of the "Christians". Can I just say that not much has changed in the past twenty years. My plan worked for a while but near the end of that seven years I began to realize and see just how close I was to removing God from my life completely. The things I could see, hear, taste, touch and smell had become more real to me than the God I could not see, hear, taste, touch or smell. I had staked my life on God and for the most part I felt like God couldn't or wouldn't do anything to fix Christianity.

I can not count the number of prayers that I have prayed that seemingly come back unanswered. But I also can not count the number of prayers I didn't pray that have seemingly come back answered. Does that make sense? And then there are the prayers that I have prayed that seemingly have been answered or have they just been the result of life. So many questions.

Yet To Be Titled

"I want a God who would roll up His sleeves and step into my life with power."

That's a quote from the back cover of the book.

Chapter 1 - A Fatal Error

Chapter one is filled with stories and letters from people who have been and may still be disappointed with God. They are all pretty dynamic. One a story about a mother who wrote about her bitterness with God because her daughter was born with spina bifida which led to financial and marriage issues.

Another story is about a man who for years had sought a "cure" for his sexual orientation. He attended healing services, Christian support groups and chemical therapy. He pursued to the point of a form of aversion therapy where psychologist applied electrical shocks to his genitals when he responded to erotic photos of men. Nothing worked and feels that he has been disqualified from following God because of his peculiar curse.

Then there is a woman who is healthy, earns a good salary, has a stable family and yet wakes up most days without a single reason for living. She has put aside any desire for a life with God because when she prays she did not feel like anyone was listening.

Philip says that he has received dozens more letters with another question. Philip this book is about physical pain. But what about pain like mine? Where is God when I hurt emotionally?

I'm glad he makes this clear. Disappointment with God does not only come in dramatic circumstances. It can slip it's way in unexpectedly through the mundaneness of everyday life. Petty disappointments can accumulate over time, undermining our faith with doubt. Does God actually care about everyday details of my life? Should I pray less or more? Does it make a difference if I pray at all? Once those thoughts begin my faith begins to wander. Now my uncertainty cripples me when a major event comes. As I am asked to pray for a person with cancer or some other major need I wonder, even as I pray, can I trust God? Is God listening to me? Will He come through for me, and for this person? Perhaps I'd be better off giving them some money to help them enjoy the last few months or weeks they have to live? I can remember times when I personally got ill and felt embarrassed by it because I'm supposed to be a man of God and as a pastor I'm asked all the time to pray for others. How can I pray for others when I can't believe or pray for myself? How does a healer die of some disease? Shouldn't they just go to sleep and never wake up? Or how about just being taken up? It happened once or twice before so why not now?

The book shares the stories of people who do not blame God. They blame themselves for weak faith. What I believe about God matters. Much of what I hear in church, radio and television is teaching me to apply the extravagant promises of faith more consistently. Philip calls this a book of theology and not technique. He says that this is a book about the nature of God and the goal is to see why God sometimes (often for me) acts in puzzling ways and then other times does not act at all.

I am not journaling this book so that I can play mental badminton with anyone. This affects everyone. At least everyone I know. And if by some chance there is someone out there that it has not, I say get ready. You may not have lived long enough or believed in something hard enough to experience disappointed either in God or your faith. Note I' m not endorsing either one just stating fact. I am also not trying to discourage anyone. I often have felt so inadequate when I am asked for answers regarding this topic. I have had no answers for my own children as each of them have faced being disappointed with God. My daughter who hundreds prayed for during a difficult pregnancy. As prayer went out things changed and hope was restored that she in fact would have the baby. She even named the baby and began prparing for her arrival. Then that hope as quickly as it came turned into disapppiontment. She lost the baby just days before the critical day the doctors had given as a safe marker. WHY? Why hope and then death? It would have been better for my daughter if the end had come before the hope. Did we lose faith? Was she or her husband double minded as some would never speak but would wondered. Did we not pray hard enough or long enough? As a father I wanted to know "GOD WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I Didn't know then and I don't know now. I have no idea if I should have prayed more or less. I am honestly not even sure if the hundreds of prayers changed anything. So I have an anticipation for what lies ahead in the chapters of this book. And... today, I am equally prepared to come to the end and find that there are no answers to all my questions. In fact I'm quite sure of that but an answer for one or two would surfice.... I think?

Yet To Be Titled

I had the weekend to think about this subject of being disappointed with God. The definition that I closed with on Friday kept ringing in my ears. Disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. Let me say it as I heard it. Ed's disappointment occurs when daily circumstances and everyday life with and in God fall far short, is less than expected, not what I signed up for. I might as well be saying "God You missed it. I think over the years because of books, cd's, teaching, training etc.. I have developed a picture of God and what He does and even how He does it. And when He was to do it as well. My view of God has been shaped and molded by life situations which include victories, defeats, high moments, low moments, right and wrong thoughts, teaching and perceptions and every other experience life has given. I will be the first to admit that my view of God has been and still is less than perfect and is more certainly skewed downward than what it could or should be. While I believe I have the mind of Christ according to His word I am painfully aware that it is only to the degree of understanding or knowledge that my mind can comprehend. Let's leave this for a later time and get back to the focus of the book. I do not want to spend time making excuses for why I or anyone else may have at times been disappointed with God.

The book offers a few words of caution. This is not a book of apologetics, so we are not making the case for there being or not being a God. The book and my journaling leaves no room for there to not be an Almighty God who has a purpose and a plan for our lives. Secondly this is not a book to decide whether God performs miracles. It is taken for granted that God has supernatural power and it is His to intervene with when He wills. Our only question should be why aren't God's interventions "ordinaries" rather than "miracles"? And the book is not attempting to present balanced Christian faith. Philip points out that he is writing the book for people who have at one time or another heard the silence of God. He says that studying the book of Job to learn about faith is like studying the history of civilization by examining only the wars. On the other hand there are studies that talk about nothing but the victories and nothing of the wars. This book is about faith and it's done through the eyes of those who doubt and have felt disappointment with God.

GOD WITHIN THE SHADOWS-

I love this statement by Annie Dillard. "You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is required. The stars neither require it nor demand it."

This is a Selah (pause and think on that) moment. The words stir the spirit within me. My heart beats a little faster and my mind comes to life in search of some hidden meaning as I read them.

Yet To Be Titled

As you can read from the title I'm not sure where this is going. Yesterday someone came to the Prayer Room and handed me a stack of books to make available to others. Within the stack was a book by Philip Yancey. The cover on this book is worn. It is torn and ragged around the edges. The pages within the book have turned a yellowish color. I came to two conclusions from the appearance. One was that the book was well read and two that it was old. It was published in 1988 so that does make it old yet the title caused me to think that it would have been a newer book. It's titled DISAPPOINTMENT WITH GOD - Three questions no one asks aloud. For a moment I thought what could have possibly been going on in 1988 that would lead people to be disappointed with God. I mean living today is far more difficult than 1988. People today would be far more likely to be disappointed with God... wouldn't they? But then I realized that since the begining of time people have dealt with the same basic issue of trying to understand God.

So here's what I think I'm going to do. I'm going to read this book and journal my thoughts as I go and see where I end up when I'm done reading it. I don't know why I'm drawn to the book other than I recall the number of people who have come to Ann Marie and I in the past and even now and without saying it in the exact words they say, "I'm disappointed with God". And to be honest I guess that at times in the past I have felt that way as well. I think I have learned why but I'll see what Philip has to say before I share that.

Forward - As Philip began working on this project he states that he began recieving phone calls from people who heard the title. They would aks to talk to him and as he met with them they would tell him that they had never told anyone else but that they had experienced times of disappointment with God. As Ann Marie and I listen to people we find just what Philip found 20 years ago. There is a huge difference between what people expect from God and what they actually experience in their Christian daily walk. We have thousands of books, sermons, cd's. dvd's, the internet, etc., that all promise us success. Success in finances, marriage, parenting, faith and every other topic that you can think of. We are led to believe that we can remove or eliminate anything that we consider a negative in life. These books and sermons etc. all put us in search of being triumphant in life and we learn to expect dramatic evidence of God working in our lives. And when we don't see that dramatic move we feel disappointment, betrayal and most often guilt. The number one thing we hear from people is that they are experiencing a dry spell and often it is followed up with statements that imply some form of guilt. Philip tells of one woman who said, "I kept hearing the phrase, 'personal relationship with Jesus.' But I found to my dismay that it is unlike any other personal relationship. I never saw God, or heard him, or felt him, or experienced the most basic ingredients of a relationship. Either there's something wrong with what I was told, or there's something wrong with me."

I am one of those people who is always talking about a personal rerlationship with God. I have never considered what the woman said. I guess that's because of what I define relationship as. When I grew up I rarely saw my father, so I rarely heard him and he was not a warm and fuzzy so we did not hug and thus I never felt him. But all that being said I knew he was my father because there was a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. I assumed he was there. In some ways that makes it easier for me to accept God. I didn't expect to see him, I didn't need to hear him and I couldn't miss the warm and fuzzie because I had never been exposed to them. But now as I reflect back that could be why I have also strugged so often with God. When what I thought I needed wasn't there I began to doubt if God was there. And that being said I realize that the woman in the book and I actually have the same issues. We just got there in different ways.

Philip says that disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. I'm looking back and asking myself, what was my anticipation based on? A book? A sermon? Another persons experience? A feeling? A result or outcome to a situation? All the above and more. I think that's different today. I'm not after what I can do for God, with God or even through God. I am pursuing being a man after God. (PERIOD) I've never spent as much time during my life to this point as I have in the past 6 months in prayer, on my knees, on my face, submitting and surrendering to God what I have viewed as my gifts, talents, desires.

Disappointment occurs when the actual experience of something falls far short of what we anticipate. SELAH